The Pantheon
by AdoraIunonem
Summary: In Olympus, life for the gods/goddesses is not that exciting. Intense drama, hilarious comedy, unshapely romance, and basic boredom is what shapes their lives. Trust me, the story is much better than how the summary sounds. Based off The Office. A little bit of Percy Jackson. Cover creds to Flickr.
1. The Pantheon: Introduction

The Pantheon

**Hello, ! This story is kind of a parody of the TV show The Office. If you haven't watched it, then you should. Just to clear things up, the normal formatting is when they interview the person, like in, obviously, The Office. The italics mean they are the actual scene. If you still don't understand, then it's best to watch like half of an episode of The Office because it's sort of hard to explain here. Anyways, enjoy!**

**PS- This is kind of a Percy Jackson fan fiction just that the characters won't show up. It focuses on the Greek Pantheon.**

**PSS- There are a couple of things I'm adopting from the series, for example, Hestia is a little girl in Camp Half Blood. **

**PSSS- The background is that the main Percy Jackson characters created this show and they produced it. Just to not get confused, there might be some lines from the cameraman, who is Percy (or someone else, like Nico). And it's written in script mode.**

**Okay, now you can start.**

_At Olympus's dining hall, everyone is seated at the table. Dionysus (he lives in Olympus now) is asleep after downing a bottle of tequila, Aphrodite is filing her nails, Ares and Hermes are partaking in an arm wrestle, and Athena is sitting there staring at everyone in disgust._

Athena: Life at Olympus sucks. Everyone is so rash here. They're like 'oh, let's do this, let's do that', and I'm like, 'no, that's stupid. You're stupid'. Yet, when things get out of hand, they pretend that it was my fault because I didn't tell them not to.

_Zeus: (bored and plays with his food)_

Zeus: It used to be fun at Olympus. Nymphs bathing in the rivers for all to see, foolish mortals to zap without blaming it on science, demolishing the world to pieces…Now, it's just boring.

_Demeter: (dumps cereal into her bowl. Looks into the cardboard box then dumps some more.)_

_Artemis: (stares at Demeter. The sound of cereal shuffling out of a box annoys her.)_

_Demeter: Oh darn, I ran out of cereal._

Artemis: Demeter brings my mood down every morning. Just the shuffling noise alone bugs me. Imagine how annoyed I get with the goddess herself.

Demeter: I don't understand how people can hate cereal so much. I mean, it has so much nutrition!

_Demeter: (offers Hera a bowl of Raisin Bran with nectar)._

_Hera: (shakes her head and continues eating her breakfast. When Demeter persists, she takes a spray bottle out of nowhere and starts spraying Demeter with water)_

Demeter: It's a great way to start off your day; it has plenty of minerals, and vitamins, and carbohydrates… I just gave it to Hera because she seemed a little bit tired from all that crying last night.

Hera: That's right. I keep a spray bottle with me. Whenever the others start to get annoying, I just spray them like a cat. Works like a charm.

_Ares has stopped arm wrestling Hermes since he keeps on losing, so he starts to flirt with Aphrodite._

Ares: Aphrodite and I are the perfect couple. I don't see how she ended up with Hephaestus, but she definitely deserves me much more. I've got the muscles, the face, and most importantly… the sausage.

_Hephaestus glares at them when Aphrodite starts giggling really loudly. Like, __really __loudly. Deafeningly loudly. _

Hephaestus: Aphrodite and I aren't really…married. We barely see each other at all. I mean, I spend my entire life in my workshop, and she spends her entire life…sleeping with anything that has a reproductive system.

_Everyone: groans when Aphrodite's obnoxious giggle pierces their ears._

Aphrodite: I'm the life-bringer of this place. Before I came, they've never heard of cucumber melon shampoo, or Tyrian purple acrylic nails. Life must've been so sad for them. Thank gods that I'm here!

_Poseidon: (sips his nectar as he reads a bikini beach magazine)_

Poseidon: I usually just sit somewhere and read swimsuit magazines. It's just a way I can relax. You know, I miss the old days where the best way to travel was by sea and everyone loved me. Now, people take planes and jets. Once again, Zeus gets all the glory.

_Hermes: (sighs as he checks his iPhone for mail to forward to other gods)_

Hermes: I'm kind of the mailing system in the Greek pantheon. Ever since everyone in Olympus got iPhones, they send typical messages to me, either through email or text…and I have to forward those messages to the intended god or goddess. I don't see why they can't just send them on their own…But I still get ordinary letters or packages. Like, Aphrodite makes these love letters every day and sends them to Ares. She refuses to send them by email, because without the actual card, it "doesn't have the same emotion".

_Apollo: (looks at phone) Oh my gods, oh my gods! 5SOS is coming to New York on March 12th!_

_Everyone else (except Aphrodite): (groans and snorts)_

_Aphrodite: OMG, I can't wait! I can't wait!_

Apollo: People don't appreciate 5 Seconds of Summer as much as they should. 5SOS has revolutionized pop music. Without them, this generation of music would be…bland, boring, tasteless. They have changed boy band history.

Aphrodite: I LOVE 5SOS! They are SO hot. My favorite's Calum, or Luke, or Michael, or Ashton…Wait, that's all of them. But Apollo and I are 5SOS buddies. We rock out to all their songs ALL the time. Apparently, not everyone agrees. I was talking to Ares the other day about Ashton's alleged girlfriend and how she should be me, and he just interrupted me and said that 5SOS was stupid! I didn't sleep with him for 2 weeks until he finally cracked and took it all back.

Apollo: It's April right now, and their concert is in March, which means that I have to wait eleven months till they come, but it's all good! I have lots of patience.

_Aphrodite and Apollo: 5SOS! 5SOS! 5SOS! Come on, guys! Chant with us! 5SOS! 5SOS! _

_Dionysus: (wakes up) shut up! Gods! _

Dionysus: Yep, I'm awake now. Apollo and Aphrodite are my alarm clock every breakfast. They just have to shout how great that boy band is and I'm up.

_Dionysus: Shut up! Shut up! (throws grapes at Aphrodite and Apollo)_

_Aphrodite: Ew! They're wet! Ow! That hit my head!_

_Apollo: (girlish screams) Aah! Aah!_

_Hermes: (rolling on the ground)_

Apollo: That was rude of Dionysus to throw fruit at us. But, he's the god of alcohol. What would you expect?

Hermes: Hahahahahahahahahahaha

_Zeus: Babe, can you get the sugar for me?_

_Hera: (sighs and rolls her eyes) Here's your sugar (slams the sugar onto the table)_

_Zeus: Babe, can you rub my back for me?_

_Hera: (groans and starts to roughly massage Zeus's back)_

_Zeus: Ooh, you're feisty today. Hey, can you make me a sandwich after this?_

_Hera: You know what, YOU make your gods damn sandwich. And you better get someone else to rub your back, because I'm not! (storms out)_

_Zeus: W-wha—What is up with the women today? Hermes, come here and rub my back._

_Hermes: Yes…Father._

Hera: I am a VERY strong feminist. People usually focus on the fact that I'm goddess of marriage, but I'm also a goddess of women. Usually I don't stand up to Zeus because most of the time whenever I do, he beats me—but I am feeing extra pissed today because I found a Playboy underneath the bed this morning. And just to express my anger, I pasted a picture of Hades's face on all of the models' heads.

_Later that day…_

_Zeus: (flipping through his Playboy) W-what! Why is Miss October's face covered with a picture of Hades?!_

Zeus: I don't understand women at all. I mean, Hera and I have been married for thousands of years. She should be used to this by now. And also, I'm the king of the gods. I can do whatever I want. I know I sound like a jerk, but whoever says it to my face, I'll just destroy them with my lightning bolt.

_Back at the dining hall…_

_Artemis: (shakes her head)_

Artemis: I do feel a little bad about Hera. I mean, we don't always see eye to eye on everything, but we're both feminists. And we both think that Zeus is a womanizing jerk. We tried to form a female alliance once with Athena, but Zeus disbanded it.

_Ares: (to Aphrodite) You know what I just found out? That 1 plus 1 is 2, and we are those 1's. _

_Aphrodite: (giggles like a squirrel)_

_Athena: (rolls her eyes) Yeah, no [bleep] Sherlock. _

_Ares: Whoa, whoa, you wanna go? You wanna go?_

_Athena: You are the dumbest piece of [bleep] that I've ever met!_

_Ares: That's it! You are going down! I'm the god of WAR!_

_Athena: Yeah, and I'm the goddess of wisdom, crafts, AND strategic war. You are just the king of brutes!_

_Ares: MOMMY! MOMMMY! _

_Hera: Shut up!_

Athena: Ares is one of most stupid people I've ever met. You'd think that maybe Hermes or Aphrodite is the dumbest, but it's actually Ares. It's just a shocker that a legitimate child of Zeus's marriage is one of the dullest beings to walk on earth. A parrot could do more math problems than he can.

Hermes: Ares is what you call a problem child. Nobody really likes him. His own parents, the mortals, even Aphrodite. She's just there for the sex. He has temper tantrums, emotional problems, and he doesn't have basic common sense. Hera's peacock has more IQ than he does.

Ares: Some people say that I have problems with anger management. That is not true. There's nothing wrong with me. The problem is the others. Has anyone ever though of that? _They_ are the reason why I get mad so easily.

_Zeus: (in the kitchen making a sandwich) Damn it, where is Hestia and her cooking skills when you need her? (slams the toaster) Ugh! Work, you stupid oven! Ugh! Hephaestus!_

_Hephaestus: Yes, Lord Zeus?_

_Zeus: The oven broke!_

_Hephaestus: (sighs and walks over to the kitchen) that's not an oven. That's a toaster._

_Zeus: Yeah, whatever. But it's not working!_

_Hephaestus: Well, first, is it plugged in?_

_Zeus: Of course it is!_

_Hephaestus: (looks at the outlet) No, it's not. _

_Zeus: What! Of course it is! See, let me show you—Oh, well, I was just testing you to see if you know your stuff, with all this, um, mechanical business, and…yeah. (Pats him on the back) Good work. You're a very smart man._

_Hephaestus: (nods then leaves)_

_Zeus: (puts bread into the toaster) (waits for it to do something) (bangs on it again) Hephaestus, don't leave just yet. _

_Hephaestus: (returns) Yes, Lord Zeus?_

_Zeus: I-it's not doing anything._

_Hephaestus: You still haven't plugged the cord in. _

_Zeus: Oh…okay, got it. (waits for the toaster to do something)_

_Hephaestus: (After a few moments of silence) You have to press the lever down to start. _

_Zeus: Oh. Press it down like this?_

_Hephaestus: Yeah, just push it. _

_Zeus: Yeah, thanks. _

_Hephaestus: (grunts and leaves)_

Hephaestus: Zeus isn't exactly my father; he's just my step-father, so I address him as Lord Zeus…I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I'm kind of the toolbar of the Olympian gods and goddesses.

Zeus: Well, I made my sandwich (holds up anything that does not look like a sandwich). I know that the bread is burnt, and we didn't have any ham, so I replaced the meat with eggplant, and the only cheese was crumbled feta, so… (bites into it) Oh! Oh gods, this is disgusting (coughs it up)

Hera: Which goddess I'm least like…Demeter. How can that woman eat so much cereal in one day?

_Hera: (stares at Demeter with look of disgrace)_

_Demeter: (pours a box of Cheerios cereal into her mouth)_

Hera: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm fine with cereal. I like the marshmallows, but Demeter prefers the actual cereal.

_Demeter: (eats Lucky Charms) Ew! I accidentally ate a marshmallow. (Picks out the marshmallows in her bowl)_

_Hera: (continues staring at Demeter in disgrace)_

Demeter: I would like to crush that idiot who had the idea to put those disgusting colored packs of sugar into perfectly nice cereal. Those marshmallows distracts people from the real prize—the oat pieces.

Poseidon: Zeus gets way too much attention. He's mommy's favorite because he's the youngest, and it just so happens that he saves everyone from our tyrannical father's stomach. And now, he can strike lightning from his own bare hands and has more power than any other being in this entire world. But does the ocean get respect? Does the Underworld get respect? NO.

Dionysus: Blame it on the goose, got you feelin loose. Blame it on Patron, got you in the zone. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol

Hera: Uh, I don't usually watch mortal TV shows, but I did watch the first two seasons. I guess Zeus would be the 40-year-old Virgin. That's easy. He thinks everybody loves him when in reality everyone hates him.

Hermes: Um, first of all, Aphrodite is definitely Kelly. Talks too much, too girly, and an irritating high-pitched voice.

Aphrodite: If Hades were included in Olympus, he would obviously be Stanley. He'll just be sitting there and not paying attention and not caring much about Olympus stuff. I can totally see him doing that.

Apollo: There's this guy that works for Corporate, who's in a wheelchair. I guess he'll be Hephaestus.

Zeus: Meredith could be Demeter, if Meredith consumed cereal as much as she consumes alcohol in the show.

Hera: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight…Who is Dwight? Who is a suck-up to Zeus and thinks that Zeus loves him so much when he actually hates him so bad… (smirks) Dionysus.

Hephaestus: Ares is totally Andy. Annoying, always picking a fight, actually a wuss at the end…

Hermes: Who is Hera? She could fit Jan Levinson for the first few seasons since she's Michael's boss, and there's just this sexual tension between them.

_Ares: (walking to the dining hall and sees Zeus's sandwich) (looks around) (bites Zeus's sandwich) (retches)_


	2. Zeus's Weight Training

Zeus's Weight Loss

_Early morning breakfast_

_Zeus: Hera, pass the sugar. _

_Hera: (rolls her eyes and passes him the sugar)_

_Zeus: (dumps a crapload of sugar on his pancakes)_

_Hera: That much sugar? You've been gaining a lot of weight lately. _

_Zeus: My weight is none of your concern._

Zeus: It's true! She's been nagging me about eating healthy since 1865. It's like she's criticizing me of my body. I feel like Jennifer Lawrence.

Hera: I know that I shouldn't tell him how bad he looks, but he's letting himself go, like _really _go. He used to have all these muscles all over his body, and he could lift up mountains and 10,000 boulders. And ever since the American Civil War ended, all he's been doing is dumping sugar on his pancakes.

_Artemis: Hey, you can't talk like that to our father!_

_Athena: Yeah! How would you like it if he insulted you every day?_

_Hera: Um, excuse me, but are you married to an inconsiderate asshole who forced you into marriage by rape, then strays from your marriage bed every night to father practically half the population of Ancient Greece and returns only for sex and a pita pizza, then decides to give up his entire lifestyle of staying __at least__ decent enough to be looked at for a couple of cups of sugar every day? ARE YOU?! I DON'T THINK SO!_

_Artemis and Athena: (defeated growl)_

Athena: Hera has absolutely no right to belittle our father like that. After all he's done for her! Like, he's—he's…uh, ah! He did the laundry for all the gods this one time! Well, that was when she was taken by Porphyrion…

Artemis: Who does she think she is? She is wrong in every single way! Our father is definitely in shape. I mean, he's the king of the gods; he's not a disgusting slob of fat.

_Zeus: (drops a plate) Ugh. (Tries to bend over in his seat)_

_Hera: (sighs)_

_Zeus: (stands up and tries to bend over to pick it up) Ugh, ugh, why is this so gods damn hard?!_

_Everyone: (staring in shock)_

_Hera: (shakes her head)_

Poseidon: I think it was a shocker that Zeus couldn't bend down and pick up a simple object from the floor. I mean, back in the day he picked up Mount Etna and threw it on top of Typhon.

Aphrodite: Oh my gods! Zeus can't bend down and touch his toes! I'm _soooo _texting this to everyone. (Texts Persephone about Zeus's public humiliation)

_Zeus: (finally picks it up after five minutes) What? What? Why is everyone staring at me?_

_Hera: (still shaking her head) You used to have abs. _

Hera: I know for a fact that Athena and Artemis think I'm a jackass for telling Zeus every day about his diet, but after what happened, it's pretty agreeable that he needs some exercise.

Zeus: How dare she say that! Of course I have abs! Look at this hot baby, rock hard six-pack right there! (Lifts up shirt to show his non-muscled abdomen) See? It's there right?

Cameraman aka Percy: (shakes his head)

Zeus: Are you sure? I see it…kind of.

_Athena: Well, according to Asclepius's data, he's been measuring your weight and height every four months for the past two years. Your weight is increasing by adding on average 75 pounds every four months, which is an arithmetic sequence, and the rate is…let me just think for a sec…(does advanced math) by year 3000, you will weigh about 1,564 pounds._

_Hera: What?! (stares at Zeus in shock)_

_Zeus: Well, I'm a god. Of course I'll weigh a lot._

_Athena: In mortal pounds, that is about…594 pounds. _

_Zeus: that's…That's not that bad. Is it? I-it's not…_

_Everyone: (jaws dropping to the ground)_

Hermes: I think Hera's problem is not with fat people, but the fact that her husband literally does not care about anything anymore. Or maybe it's because all the extra fat will slow him down, which will ruin the sex. That's probably it.

Apollo: I took a video of Zeus struggling to pick up the plate, and you can literally see Hera fuming with anger. I've already sent it to about 1000 non-Olympian gods and goddesses, Titans—the nice ones of course, nymphs, satyrs, and monsters.

_In the Underworld…_

_Cyclops: (receives a text) WHAT IS THIS?! (watches video) What a loser… (sound of Zeus wheezing with exhaustiveness) _

_Persephone: (phone chimes from Aphrodite) Oh, for Chaos's sake. _

_Hades (next to her in bed): Persephone, how many times do I have to tell you? I'd really appreciate it if you didn't text on your phone while we're having sex._

_Persephone: Zeus can't bend down and pick up a plate! See. (Shows Hades the video) _

_Hades: Ha! The almighty brother finally faces humiliation in front of the entire world. _

_Nico (tech guy standing behind the cameraman aka Percy): (receives a message from Hades) Father, I'm right here. Remember? We're filming you for our TV show._

_Persephone: (screams) I'm naked, you stupid children! _

_Cameraman/Percy: Dude, let's go before she destroys us!_

_Tech guy/Nico: Wait, I'm still sending the video to everyone. _

Nico: The video's on Youtube now. Of course, it's only shared to certain people. But it already as a couple hundred-thousand views now.

_Back at Olympus couple of minutes later..._

_Zeus's phone: (plays "My Humps" by Blacked Eyed Peas)_

_Zeus: (picks up) hello?_

_Rhea: Zeus, there's a video of you on Youtube trying to bend down and pick up a plate. Please tell me this isn't truth. _

_Zeus: Yeah, it sort of is... I don't know how it got onto Youtube though_

_Rhea: Themis and Tethys have been laughing in my face since they first saw it. Oh Chaos, Mnemosyne's never going to forget this. Or she'll never mention it out of embarrassment because she slept with you nine times_

_Zeus: Mother, I promise everything's going to be fine. _

_Rhea: I hope so. Don't mess this up (hangs up)_

Poseidon: this is different. Definitely different. When a person that eats McDonald's every day drops something, that's just ordinary life for them. But when it comes to the king of the gods, that's totally different. Zeus has saved the world so many times, and now he can't even bend down and touch his toes. What if we need someone to throw a mountain onto a monster? Zeus won't be there to save us.

_Hera: That's it! The entire world thinks that Olympus is full of a bunch of fat idiots! (storms out)_

_Zeus: Babe, wait! (follows suit)_

_Apollo: (makes sure they're out of earshot) I feel a haiku coming. _

_Everyone: (groans)_

_Apollo: (clears throat) Zeus is a loser, he bends and stomach flabs form, Artemis sucks. _

_Artemis: First of all, I do not suck. And that's only four syllables._

_Apollo: But it's still true. _

_Artemis: No, it's not. _

_Apollo: Jeesh! Fine! We all know what happened last time. Anyways, I'll change it to I love 5SOS._

_Artemis: "I love 5SOS" is still four syllables_

_Apollo: Whatever! Artemis sucks!_

Athena: I hate Apollo's stupid haikus, almost as much as Ares. But Ares is so unintelligent it's impossible to hate anything more than Ares.

_Later at Zeus and Hera's chamber_

_Hera: Okay, I've arranged for Ares and Heracles to come train you back into shape._

_Zeus: Really. You talked to Heracles. _

_Hera: Well, I sent Iris. That's not the point. You will be under a strict diet and a daily training session with Ares and Heracles. Ares will train you in boxing and weightlifting, and Heracles will train you in some sports and gymnastics. _

_Zeus: so, no more sugar on pancakes?_

_Hera: No more sugar on pancakes. _

_Zeus: That's completely unfair! When you were pregnant with our children, you gained like twenty pounds!_

_Hera: Excuse me?!_

_Zeus: Oh no, don't worry. It all went down to your butt._

_Hera: What?!_

Zeus: I don't understand women at all. Apparently to women, having a fat ass isn't a good thing. I don't see why though. But I still learned something new today.

_Hera: (storms out again) _

_Zeus: (sighs) women. _

_Hera: (returns with a lemon meringue pie and takes a deep breath) Okay, Zeus. Here's the deal. This is about you, not me. Why? Because the entire Greek Mythological world is laughing at you, not me. So, let's start with a simple exercise. Here's a pie. You eat one of these every other day. _

_Zeus: (staring at awe at the pie) It's so perfect...The hills of sugary foam, so creamy like mountains of freshly-fallen snow...and the crunch of its crust, the saliva moistening it to balance out the sensation-but most of all, the excitement of the lemon center, waiting for its tangy flavor and its suave texture to melt on your tongue..._

_Hera: (rolls her eyes)_

_Zeus: I think I'm in love..._

_Hera: (takes out a bat and smashes the pie on the center) Die, die you stupid pie! (continues annihilating the pie)_

_Zeus: (stares in shock as his pie is destroyed into pieces) _

_Hera: (finally stops after eight minutes) Whoo, that pie was a tough one._

_Zeus: What did you do to her?! Why are you doing this?!_

_Hera: Oh, it's a metaphor. You see, the destruction of your favorite foods is a symbol for you beating your unhealthy lifestyle and starting on a new path to be King of the Gods 2.0._

_Zeus: Woman, where do you have so much anger?_

_Hera: Oh, I just pretend that's your face I'm destroying._

_Zeus: 0_0_

Zeus: It's scary that your wife dreams of shattering your face with a bat, but you know, wives are supposed to be scary.

_Later with Heracles and Ares at the Olympus gym_

_Hera: Okay, let's review the instructions. On Monday, you bench press with Ares, Tuesdays are mile runs and Wednesday-_

_Zeus: Alright, alright, you've told me the schedule ten times already. I think I've got it now. _

_Hera: (eyes him carefully) Fine. But if you mess up, you're sleeping on the couch (leaves the gym)_

_Heracles: Okay, since I'm the favorite son, I'll start with my synchronized swimming. Strip down and get in your trunks, Dad. _

_Ares: Whoa, whoa, whoa. First of all, you're not the favorite. And my mother told us that Mondays, Zeus does bench presses with me, which is today. And synchronized swimming is on Fridays. It's also for babies. _

_Heracles: Does it look like I give a crap about what your mother says? She's just a shrew that won't shut her trap._

_Ares: Hey, that's my mother you're talking about! _

_Heracles: Ooh, I'm so scared. Mommy's little boy is going to attack me!_

_Ares: You shut up!_

_Heracles: Seriously now. Dad, I hope you brought your swim stuff._

_Ares: I said it once and I'll say it again. Today is MONDAY, and on MONDAYS we bench press. _

_Heracles: I don't care! You're just a crybaby with no game!_

_Ares: That's it! You're going down. _

_Ares and Heracles: (wrestle each other on the ground. Of course, Ares ends up on the ground crying for Mommy)_

_**Meanwhile**..._

_Zeus: (creeping into the kitchen sneaking some crackers)_

_Artemis: (enters) Dad? Is that you?_

_Zeus: (turns around with a mouth full of food) uhh..._

_Artemis: Dad, you know you're not supposed to be eating that. You're supposed to be working out with those two idiots Hera arranged for you. _

_Zeus: Come on, Artemis. Honey, I'm your father! Just do me a favor and don't tell your stepmother. _

_Artemis: Dad, all of my hunters are laughing behind my back! They think that you're one of the most despicable men on Earth! Of course, they already hate men, but they think you're over the top!_

_Zeus: Well, at least they're not doing it in front of you._

_Artemis: Ugh!_

Artemis: My gods! The fact that he's still eating that stupid junk! Why do we even have mortal food anyways? Back in the day, all we had was nectar and ambrosia. With the occasional sacrifice of some swine. In the past, everyone was in shape. I mean, everyone! Even Dionysus.

_Ares: (squashed underneath Heracles) Okay fine! We'll do your synchronized swimming. Just get off me!_

_Heracles: (chuckles) I knew you would give up easily. You're wimpy little Ares. _

_Ares: I am not wimpy! I just have some personal things that I have to take care of. _

_Heracles: Whatever...where's Zeus?_

**_Later during the evening..._**

_Hera: (sitting in their chamber on the bed reading Fifty Shades of Gray in her pajamas)_

_Zeus: (enters with gym shorts on and a tank top all sweaty) hey babe (kisses Hera's cheek)_

_Hera: Wow, you've done a lot today. Are you tired? _

_Zeus: Yeah, my muscles are aching. I feel like dying like a mortal. _

_Hera: Oh, then let's get you some rest. I won't disturb you; I'll sleep in the guest room. _

_Zeus: Uh-wait! I'm not tired enough to still do...you-know-what (winks)_

_Hera: (rolls her eyes and scoffs) That's all you men ever think about (gets in the bed anyways)_

Dionysus: It's not what you think. After being caught in the kitchen by Artemis, we drank and ate cupcakes for the rest of the day. When it started to get dark, he changed into some gym clothes and poured some water on himself. Seems like Hera bought it. Since, you know, they're spending the night together (winks)

**_Two weeks later..._**

_Athena: Okay, Zeus, let's see how much you weigh now_

_Zeus: (gets onto the fitness scale)_

_Athena: Oh dear, Hera's going to lose her top._

_Zeus: Why? What happened?_

_Athena: Since your last two weeks of workout with Heracles and Ares, you've gained twelve pounds. _

_Zeus: Yeah, I don't think she'll be too happy about that._

Demeter: These entire two weeks, all Zeus has been doing is sneaking out of the gym while Ares and Heracles have their little argument. Then, he hangs around with the boys drinking beer, eating chips, and watching football games or half-naked girls on the TV. Then when it gets late, he changes into some shorts and T-shirt with a puddle of water down the middle.

_Zeus: Oh, please, Athena! Don't show Hera the records! She'll kill me!_

_Athena: I'm sorry, Father, but this is my job! I can't betray your health! I have to show her the details. She'll find out anyways. _

_Zeus: I'm so screwed! What am I going to do?!_

Athena: I truly feel sorry for him. I've seen Hera's wrath before.

_Zeus: Look at this flab! She'll never look at me naked ever again! _

_Athena: Good for her. _

_Zeus: Are you sure you're right? Maybe you calculated the numbers wrong-_

_Athena: Excuse me, are you accusing me of doing math wrong?! Math is my specialty!_

_Zeus: Right, forgot. _

Apollo: Zeus is soooo dead. I can't even tell how bad his ass is gonna get whooped today.

_**Later...**_

_Dionysus_**_: _**_Hey, Zeus, I heard you've got yourself into a little trouble. I heard through the grapevine-do you get it, grapevine?-anyways, what's here is that I've got a solution to your twelve-pound problem._

_Zeus: Wait, how do you know how much I've gained?_

_Dionysus: Athena posted the results on her blog. _

_Zeus: The little brainiac has a blog?_

_Dionysus: Yeah, usually the posts are about how annoyed she is with all the other stupid gods around her. Anyways, everyone knows your problem. _

_Zeus: Even...Hera?_

_Dionysus: Actually I'm not sure. Usually she just reads her books instead of surfing the Internet like the other gods here. _

_Zeus: Oh thank Chaos! So you said you had a solution._

_Dionysus: Yes, it's a thing called the "suck and tuck"._

_Zeus: ...Liposuction?_

_Dionysus: Yep. I suggest you get one from someone you trust so they won't spill. _

_Zeus: So where's your little lab?_

_Dionysus: Oh, I only get you drunk and passed out so you won't feel anything when you're getting an operation. But I don't do the surgery myself. You have to find someone else to do it._

_Zeus: hmmmm..._

**_In the Olympus library..._**

_Hera: (reading her current book Dear John)_

_Aphrodite: Hera! It's been forever!_

_Hera: You saw me this morning. _

_Aphrodite: Well, did you hear? Your hubby isn't actually improving much as your little plan goes._

_Hera: Excuse me?_

_Aphrodite: Well, I heard that he gained instead of lost._

_Hera: What?! That's impossible. He returned to me every single night sweaty and tired-actually, come to think of it, he's lied to me plenty of times._

_Aphrodite: I'd be upset with him if I were you (smirks then looks around) Ew, books. (leaves)_

_Hera: (begins to fume)_

_**Hephaestus's Workshop...**_

_Hephaestus: (looks up) Oh, Lord Zeus. How may I help you?_

_Zeus: Yes, I was wondering if you perform liposuction surgeries? _

_Hephaestus: Umm, what makes you think I do that kind of stuff? And aren't you supposed to be working out now? You shouldn't be worried about liposuction if you're losing._

_Zeus: Yeah, well, I'm gaining. _

_Hephaestus: Well that's a whole different story now. _

_Zeus: Please, I know you have tools and stuff, so you know how to do the ol' cut-and-slice. _

_Hephaestus: Oh gods..._

_Zeus: Please! Just do it for me!_

_Hephaestus: I'm sorry, but you're not my father. And Hera's my mother. So, no. _

_Zeus: Do it or I'll smash to pieces with my lightning bolt!_

_Hephaestus: Zeus, you're in my workshop and I can equally destroy you with my fire-flaming hammer. So please, I have some work to do. _

_Zeus: (walks away grumbling)_

**_At the Olympus gym..._**

_Hera: (enters) Ares! Bastard Child!_

_Ares: Ow! Get off of me you brute!_

_Heracles: Ha! Still wimpy I see..._

_Hera: What's going on here!?_

_Ares and Heracles: (looks up) uh-oh_

_Hera: this is what you've been doing this entire time? Fighting?!_

_Ares: (starts crying) Mommy, am I in trouble?_

_Hera: Where is Zeus?! HE'S NOT EVEN HERE! _

_Heracles: uh..._

_Hera: To even THINK I tried that new trick in bed yesterday night for him! Grr! (storms out)_

**_At the living room..._**

_Apollo: (singing along to his harp)_

_Zeus: Apollo! Apollo! Thank Chaos you're here!_

_Apollo: Um, yes Zeus?_

_Zeus: I need a huge favor. I know you're the god of medicine and healing, so maybe you can help me a bit with this problem._

_Apollo: Ah, the I've-gained-twelve-pounds problem. _

_Zeus: Okay, can everyone stop mentioning that to me my face?_

_Apollo: What do you need?_

_Zeus: Liposuction_

_Apollo: -_-_

_Zeus: Please! You've seen your stepmother explode before. _

_Apollo: Zeus, I don't specialize in cosmetic surgery. I'm just a little god that likes haikus and 5SOS. Tell you what, listen to me sing a 5SOS song and I'll operate a little bit._

_Zeus: (already leaving)_

**_Already getting dark..._**

_Zeus: This is hopeless! I'll never find someone who's willing to give me some liposuction!_

_Hermes: Liposuction, did someone say?_

_Zeus: Hermes! You probably can't do liposuction though..._

_Hermes: Now, who said that? We all know I love rebelling against the law._

_Zeus: Oh Hermes, please help me! Anything!_

_Hermes: Well, follow me_

**_..._**

_Zeus: You've got a secret operation table here? _

_Hermes: Yep, I perform various operations on this very table. It's been going on since the Cold War-whoops (flicks off a peculiar looking body part) Don't worry, just a toenail._

_Zeus: ..._

_Hermes: so, climb on up._

_Zeus: Are you sure? There was a toenail on the table. _

_Hermes: Oh don't worry. Everything's perfectly fine._

_Zeus: (lies down) Um, don't I get some anesthetic? _

_Hermes: Ah yes, Dionysus's special alcohol anesthetic combo. Here, have a glass. (Hands Zeus the glass)_

_Zeus: (gulps it down) whoo! That's strong. What's in it?_

_Hermes: Um, some Polish Vodka, some Whiskey, old-fashioned rum..._

_Zeus: (already snoring and hiccuping at the same time)_

_Hermes: Well that was fast. _

**_Finally at night in Hera and Zeus's chamber..._**

_Hera: That bastard! I can't believe I fell for his stupid tricks! I can't wait till I rip off his nads!_

_Zeus: (enters) Hey babe_

_Hera: Don't "hey babe" me, you- (stares at him)_

_Zeus: (shirtless with a perfectly flat stomach and tight arms and no double chin) How do I look?_

_Hera: E-e-everyone said y-you gained...but you didn't! Oh my gods! I knew you were telling the truth! (jumps into his arms and kisses him) (whispers in his ear) do you remember what I did yesterday night in bed..._

_Zeus: (rushes to the mattress)_

Poseidon: Yeah, this one's a happy ending. Even though Hera never finds out the truth, Zeus still got away with it...again.

Demeter: Zeus didn't really deserve that night of love if you ask me. I think everyone, especially Athena, was waiting for Hera to destroy him. Of course, everyone was surprised to see both of them smiling wide ear-to-ear the next morning.

Hermes: My special skills always come in handy.

Aphrodite: Yay! Everyone's happy!

Zeus: Ahhh...that was my entree. Can't wait for dessert.


End file.
